One question I’ve had on my mind lately.. Why is it such a taboo to speak about marriage, goals, and family while in the early stages of dating?
Ok first things first, I’m not saying that you need to be talking about marrying this new person at all.. Not at all what I’m saying; that’s just weird! What I am saying is that as adults, who are dating with purpose and not just to smash and dash (for lack of a better phrase), we should communicate exactly what we are looking for someday, not tomorrow.
Personally, I just started dating recently.. and I am not into playing games or wasting my time. Some of the questions I ask: (you can customize, add, remove)
- What is your spiritual life based on? Do you pray? Are you a believer?
- What are your goals and ambitions?:
- Do you believe in the sanctity of marriage?:
- Where do you see yourself in 5,10,15 years?
One of the many issues with dating today is that people are so afraid to speak up because they feel that most people won’t meet their requirements, so they would rather sit quiet and let time do the work, but end up hurt in the long run because nobody had the talk early on.
The conversations should go a little something like this:
“What I’m looking for in a potential mate is someone who eventually wants to get married, start a family, travel twice a year, and live in XYZ state. Someone who will go to church with me on Sundays, a man who will take out the trash without being prompted/begged to do so..” etc.. you get my drift. But my point is you have to say what you want, with reason and wiggle room because nobody is perfect enough to give you everything you ask for, but at least they will know where you stand and the choice is ultimately theirs to meet or diss those expectations. I think the anticipation behind having the conversation is the part most people have to get passed; just put in your mind that if the person is worth being with, you will have this conversation, but if they choose to run for you being direct then you probably dodged a waste of time.
Just be cool/calm: Avoid putting the person on the spot (don’t be confrontational), make it a general conversation. You may want to use sentences like: “do you like children? How many do you see yourself having in the future? What is your belief on marriage?
Avoid using that person as an example: They will only think that you’re asking them directly and it’ll make things awkward! Avoid saying things like: “If we were married..” People feel suffocated if you bring direct talk of marriage to them early on; which is a sure way to send someone running because they think you’re crazy or desperate.
Don’t get caught up in the moment so much that you forget to do your homework: You don’t want to end up finding out that the person you love so much isn’t on the same page as you months, or even years down the line just because you were too nervous to ask the questions you had a right to know the answers to.. Be smart in your dating experience while still having fun!!
Until next time, mon ami.. smooches XoXo