I Forgot Who the *Bleep* I Was…

I haven’t realized this until now, but recently I’ve allowed people to get the best of me for years and it made me forget who the *bleep* I was! And it took for me to stumble on an old email from my ex to remind myself.

See, often times I get so caught up in the world and trying to please people before myself.. that’s how it works when you’re a people pleaser.. If I could say the word hate in any context (I really despise that word), I would use it here: I HATE that I can be a people pleaser. I tend to tip-toe around people’s feelings, while they have no care about hurting mine; I buy gifts for people with my last dollar, just to make them happy; I do favors when I know that person won’t do the same for me.. Yeah, this is the worst trait I possess!

But somewhere after my last “relationship”, I lost myself and forgot who I was.. I was the type of girl who worked hard in relationships, but also played no games, when I said I was finally done with someone, I cut them off, severing all ties. I was the girl who knew exactly what she wanted and didn’t compromised on what she KNEW she deserved. How did I lose that?

Upon reading this old email, it made me reflect on why exes never want to forget me.. Whether it was a high school love, someone I dated briefly, or the two serious relationships I had. I am a caring woman, one who stands up for what she believes in and stands up for the people she loves; a woman with ambition and pushes people to their potential. Yes, I can be difficult, but that’s because I want what I want (not spoiled, just firm).

In a way, I’m happy I stumbled on that old email.. it confirmed to me that no matter what, I am who I am supposed to be and the right people will fall in place.. I suppose, at some point, I lost confidence in who I was because I let a few irrelevant people plague me with their judgment or the lies they created in their mind of who I was. Not having spent enough time around me to form a judgment of who I am.

I’ll share excerpts from the email, but to be respectful, no names will be revealed:

You’re so caring PAM. About everything that why whenever there was a time to help you I was more than willing to do it. You put damn near all of you in everything you did, and for that I’m thankful, grateful, and honored.

You where so loving and caring in a way that I never seen before. It was beautiful. The more love you gave the more frightened I became. I wasn’t the commitment, it was more so the fear of giving 100%, you leaving and having nothing left for myself. One thing I can honestly say is that I felt like you were very trustworthy and faithful. It seemed like it was a part of me just wouldn’t let go.

And if there is a slight chance we can work this out, I’m willing to fight for it. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I’m at the point where I realized that the love of a friend blossomed into the love of my life. But if I’m too late, then I’ll find a way to be satisfied with you knowing exactly how I feel about you.

Sometimes the smallest events or things from our past can remind us of the good in ourselves. I never forgot that I was and am a good woman. Because, that is who I am naturally.. but sometimes people who spent two split seconds with you and have ill intentions will try to treat you like crap, then project that nastiness onto you and blame you for their shortcomings, when all you were doing is NOT settling all along.

Have you been in this situation before? If so, here’s my advice: Be unapologetic in who and what you allow around you.. You deserve the best in everything, because YOU ARE AMAZING! Call me uppity, spoiled, or bourgeois if you want, but Pam is no longer molding clay into pottery, that’s not my job! God is in the business of molding, changing, and fixing.. SEEK HIM! It is no longer your duty to allow people to walk all over you or take a crap on your character, while you smile on the outside, while crying inside. You are allowed to move away from negative energy to preserve your peace of mind.

I’m happy that I got to stumble upon that email, because it reminded me that I am who I’m supposed to be: caring, nurturing, yet uncompromising to being taken advantage of. The kind-hearted, no-nonsense individual who God created me to be.

I will begin to live firmly by this quote: “Do no harm, but take no SH*T!”

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